she was so not down for the gang bang
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
