you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
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Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
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I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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