i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
