you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
