apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
