A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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