apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
