Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
