The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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