I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
