I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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