Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
