Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
