The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
