so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
