Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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