sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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