i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
