I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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