Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
