So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
In other news, I just burned my penis
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
