threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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