Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
