his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
