tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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