I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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