I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
