if i died would you start the facebook group?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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