Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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