You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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