My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
