My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
