Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
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I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
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I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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