Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Acid is not a monday night drug
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
