My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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