I heard we made out
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
