im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
