Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
He is an equal opportunity slut.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
