My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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