The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
