and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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