omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
