TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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