I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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