She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
