Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
