i think i have two assholes
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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