I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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