giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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