My liver just broke up with me...
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
