saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
