I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
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My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
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I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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