It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
