I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
where are my eyebrows?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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