I want to stick my p in your. b.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We talked him into tasing himself.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
