Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
