Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
