i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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