So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
