Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
