I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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