i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
